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a couple months passed and everything went along smoothly, aside from her large and annoying friend who would often butt in to our discussions. of course, im too nice to have told the friend to go to hell even if i werent making feeble attemps to try and hit on Stacey. Stacey always seemed so genuinely excited to see me each day that i began to look forward to going to school, in fact, the others on the bus (including the driver) began to imitate her and give a gleeful shout of my name as i entered the bus each morning.

 

then one day when Stacey hadnt shown up, the annoying friend, Loni, sat peering over the seat at me, mumbling, and apparently my polite nodding had resulted in me agreeing to something. it turned out i was now going to loni's birthday party, though, as luck would have it, Stacey would also be there. i was to have an entire evening with Stacey, hopes of what could be flooded my mind. it was to be one of those horridly dull murder mystery themed partys, though knowing Stacey would be there i Dressed the part and used all of my grades 7, 9, and 10 drama class skills to fully develop my character. the night of the party, Stacey was a no-show, last minute cancelation on account of a forced visit with relatives. I hadnt gotten my night with Stacey, though i had devised a cunning and foolish plan.

 

from then on i would cease the fight against my own cowrdice, and rather than being upfront with the girl i so desired, i would sneakily use her friend to plan further encounters. I had myself convinced that after being together for more than mere bus chats i would be able to find an appropriate time to "make a move". a few of these planned encounters were successfully carried out, though Loni was always a severe obsticle, constintly getting between us.  

 

soon it was the Christmas season, and Loni was having a Christmas party, and once again it had a stupid theme for which i dressed the part. yet this time Stacey did show up. with Loni's attention being diverted by the other guests, Stacy and i actually manged to find a few solitary moments together, or at least solitary when compared to the very public environment of the bus. at the end of the night i found myself with her outside watching snowfall. the conversation was free of romantic under tones, unless of course i was simply too dense to pick up on them, but as we parted ways she offered an invitation to watch a movie with her the following friday afternoon. i hastily agreed, and we both worked to hide how happy this arrangement had made us.

 

that friday we arrived at her house, and i was promptly informed that once her half brother left no one would be home till late in the evening. she made food and we talked as we ate, she said that she had rented pearl harbor for us to watch, and having not seen it was expecting a purley blood and guts style war movie -- not in the least bit date-ish, but then her half brother left. almost immediatley she got up, put her dishes in the sink, and proceeded to describe to me the underware she had recently purchased. i was told of cute bunny faces and comical pictures/sayings such as "slippery when wet" which was then modeled for me as she undid her pants and lowered them to her knees. to this i failed to respond. it was just so much, and so unexpected. i sat there, made a stupid comment about how good they looked, and then set about finishing my food as she returned her pants to their functional postion.

 

we moved to the family room in the basement with windows draped and lights dimned (what other reason could there be than to watch a movie?) and she proceeded to tell of some of her family troubles, living with her dad and step mother was awful, and even her mom didnt trust her, and would send her condoms with birthday gifts for fear that she may be permiscuous and end up a teenage mother. after telling me this she proceeded to produce a package of glow in the dark condoms, making fun of the novelty, but also saying that she wanted a chance to try them out.

 

 

 

this was just as shocking as the panty show, though now it was less out of the blue, and the two of these occurances combined was enough for even i to get the message. my mind raced, was she serious? we had never even had a real date, this wasnt even explicitly called such, though the subject matter certainly implyed otherwise, we had never kissed or even so much as hugged, she certainly didnt seem like someone that would just hop into bed with a guy, perhaps mother really does know best? was Stacey really so "easy"?

 

such a sudden propistion which i had never suspected Stacey to make anywhere near so soon;such an out of character action, i was once again in shock. moral intuitions then grabbed hold of me, though it was certainly something i very much wanted to do with Stacey, i still hardley knew her. i could only think of how improper it would be to engage in such intamacy without having first dated for awhile. i somehow felt that Stacey must agree with this, though there was that proposition staring me in the face

 

aside from insecurity of trying to preform in such a way without having the trusting, loving security of a meaningful well established relationship, i just felt that it wouldnt be right.

 

she sat there looking at me, awaiting responce,and just as i had with the underware showing, i responed with some stupid comment, which she mustered a fake laugh with which to reply. then i quickly worked to make it clear (without explicitly saying such) that i would like to see her more, and in a romantic way, though slowly. i believe i succeeded in adequately getting this point across, but her reaction was unexpected. she seemed almost tearful (which i attributed to the rejection of her bed invitation)whilst expressing the sentiment that she felt the same way. she then spoke of how i was different then the other boys she knew, she said she couldnt believe how nice i was, and that she really liked me for it. satisfied that all had been taken care of, and as an attempt to move on from any awkwardness, i suggested that we start the movie, which she did, and then she sat seperate from me in a chair

 

after the movie we talked for a while, and she then pointed out that people would be arriving home in a while and that she had to pack for christmas vacation. we aranged to get toghether as soon as she returned to lethbridge, though she was unsure of when exactly that would be, an we hugged for quite some time before i began my walk home.

 

two days latter in the early afternoon i recieved a phonecall from Loni, with a sigh i enquired as to the point of her call, and she asked why i hadnt come to say goodbye to Stacey, i told her that Stacey and I had planned to see each other when she got back, and that i wasnt even aware  people were getting together to say good-bye. puzzled, Loni informed me that Stacey wouldnt be comming back, she had been having so many problems at home that she was leaving to live with her mom in B.C. Unaware of the happenings between Stacey and I not long before, Loni ventured a quess that maybe Stacey had felt it would be too hard to say good-bye to me, and i knew she was right.

 

it suddenly became so clear as to why Stacey would have been willing to throw aside all of the relationship and dating for a moment of passion between us two, who so clearly to all seemed to have a real future. i cursed my slowness in pursuing her, thinking perhaps it could have been if only we had begun to date sooner.

 

to this day i would like to believe that had i known the true circumstances that i would have given her a send-off to remember, though i question if i really would have acted differently, and i'm actually quite glad she choose not tell me.

 

should she someday return, i hope that she would carry through with her promise to come see me right away.

 

 

 

 

just as before it wouldnt be long until i once again found myself entangled in complex issues of the heart, but that is an entirely different TOWDE, stay tuned...

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k, its 2am, im gunna colapse, and i think ive sufficiently humilated myself for one night

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ttfn